I’ve written. There’s some comedy articles, some serious articles, a short story, a few sketches, some songs, and some jokes.

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

How Do I Explain The Election Results To My Son When He’s So Privileged That They Won’t Have Even The Slightest Impact On His Life?

Congress is Completely Useless, Except For the Time They Helped Me Get All Those Insects Out of My Futon

The Princeton Tiger

Deadlocked: With No Ninth Justice, The Supreme Court Has Been Unable To Cast The Government’s Upcoming Production Of “Guys And Dolls”

36 Questions To Fall In Love

Why Don’t Any Girls Want to Date a Nice Guy Who Krazy Glued Both of His Hands to His Face?

A Step Forward: Disney Introduces Its First Pro-Choice Princess

To Maintain A Diverse Student Body, The Office Of Admission Will Remove The Checkbox Penalizing Applicants Who Have Never Seen The White Stripes In Concert

10 Awesome Things To 3D Print At Princeton, But To Be Fair, A Lot Of Them Are Keychains

Cashews (Peanuts Parody)

Happy Valentine’s Day, Charles Beige

Ted Cruz Fails Turing Test

Disappointing Wormhole Leads Directly to Sizzler in Muncie, Indiana

Wow: J.J. Abrams Has Already Directed Several Movies, But They’re Still Letting Him Direct Another

Curb Couch

5 Celebrities Who JUST DON’T AGE And 5 Who Have to Age TWICE AS FAST to Maintain The Great Balance

Nassau Weekly

Jump Shot (short story)

The Fourth Annual Princeton Independent Film Festival

Crazy Rich Asians Review

Eighth Grade review

Sketches

Princeton Triangle Club

The Triangle Club is the oldest collegiate touring musical comedy group in America. For three years, I was part of the student workshop that writes book, music, and lyrics for Triangle’s shows. In my last two years, I served as head writer.

Double Agent

YA Romance

Christmas Truce (a.k.a. “Trenchwarmers”)

Annual Giving

Half and Half

World Domination(In the original version, these characters were spies. But this performance is from a Triangle greatest hits variety show, so we made them students instead. But imagine they’re spies! It’s funnier that way.)

He’s Cül

All-Nighter (Late-night talk show)

I was the head writer of All-Nighter, a late night comedy show featuring sketches, stand-up, and interviews with Princeton community members.

Queer Eye For The Science Guy

Talking Politics

Updates

Jokes

Every episode of All-Nighter begins with the host delivering a monologue of jokes about current events. Here are some of my favorites I’ve written over the years.

A new poll has found that 50% of Republicans want war with North Korea. The Democrats, ever the voices of reason, were quick to point out that it would be hasty and irresponsible to declare war before SNL has found the perfect person to play Kim Jong-un.  

The toy retail giant Toys R Us has gone out of business. In an official press release, CEO Dave Brandon said, “It is with a heavy heart that I report that the Markets R Changing, We R Bankrupt, and now Thousands R Losing Their Jobs.” 

Trump has been confident in his ability to take strong foreign policy stances and defeat ISIS, claiming, “I know more than the generals.” He continued: “I know way more than the generals. There’s the colonels, the lieutenants… Let’s see, you’ve got the corporals, the sergeants, the majors… I guess those are all the ones I know.”

A scientific study has found that taking psychedelic mushrooms may be helpful for those struggling with depression. The same team of scientists later reported that taking even more psychedelic mushrooms may be helpful for those struggling to fight off an army of purple horse people. 

According to reports, Amazon is developing plans for a new high-tech cashier-less grocery store. According to CEO Jeff Bezos, our nation’s grocery needs will change drastically once the entire American population is replaced with 300 million identical Jeff Bezos clones who feed only on human flesh.

When an Alabama college student was too sick to attend her graduation, her school had a robot roll across the stage in her place. But she was unable to graduate because the final task to complete the degree was to determine which of a selection of pictures contained a traffic light.