Every episode of All-Nighter begins with the host delivering a monologue of jokes about current events. Here are some of my favorites I’ve written over the years.

A new poll has found that 50% of Republicans want war with North Korea. The Democrats, ever the voices of reason, were quick to point out that it would be hasty and irresponsible to declare war before SNL has found the perfect person to play Kim Jong-un.  

The toy retail giant Toys R Us has gone out of business. In an official press release, CEO Dave Brandon said, “It is with a heavy heart that I report that the Markets R Changing, We R Bankrupt, and now Thousands R Losing Their Jobs.” 

Trump has been confident in his ability to take strong foreign policy stances and defeat ISIS, claiming, “I know more than the generals.” He continued: “I know way more than the generals. There’s the colonels, the lieutenants… Let’s see, you’ve got the corporals, the sergeants, the majors… I guess those are all the ones I know.”

A scientific study has found that taking psychedelic mushrooms may be helpful for those struggling with depression. The same team of scientists later reported that taking even more psychedelic mushrooms may be helpful for those struggling to fight off an army of purple horse people. 

According to reports, Amazon is developing plans for a new high-tech cashier-less grocery store. According to CEO Jeff Bezos, our nation’s grocery needs will change drastically once the entire American population is replaced with 300 million identical Jeff Bezos clones who feed only on human flesh.

When an Alabama college student was too sick to attend her graduation, her school had a robot roll across the stage in her place. But she was unable to graduate because the final task to complete the degree was to determine which of a selection of pictures contained a traffic light.